Portal Trip, Diary of Carl
by HyperCaz
Summary: Carl wants respect. And he can't it from his closest friend. So he decides to portal trip, trying to find a better Van Helsing. He encounters a mutant, an inventor, a womaniser...NO SLASH
1. Carl plots and plans

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Disclaimer: I own a movie ticket from half a year ago bearing the title Van Helsing...and a DVD...and a key ring...and the animated prequel...and a few cute figurines...but not the rights. Sorry.

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Dear diary,

Today mastered Glycerin 49.

I will have to spend next month cleaning the forge. Damn that Cardinal. Van Helsing laughed so hard he dropped my new invention. I will have to replace that with some form of ingenuity. I am possibly the most sensible person to ever to set foot in the Vatican and look how I am treated! I would like some form of respect. Especially from Van Helsing.

I've seen _him_ in his element, shooting anything that moves. Quite a thrilling job, but not what I'm made for. I _will_ gain his respect. Blustering friar indeed! Me, a popinjay!? Hah! Can't even think up your own insults.

No, Van Helsing is a friend. I respect him, now he should respect me. And I don't know how that feat will ever be accomplished.

* * *

Dear diary,

I have resumed having nightmares about flux capacitor again. Van Helsing says I should go with him more often. Well, excuse me for not wanting to have a price on my head. Will he not regard me as a companion and not some, some, maid who needs nursing! There is only one way I will ever get him to respect me. And that is not through this Van Helsing.

I'm going to discover other worlds, parallel to this one, in which he does respect me.

This may seem foolish. This will be difficult. But I have complete faith in my abilities. Damn Van Helsing.

* * *

Dear diary,

I have done some research into travel other than spatial travel. Most common is called the fabric of space time continuum. Most believe it is only for time travel. No one has figured it out yet. This is not acceptable, really. Who wants to go to the future? All I want it some respect. I'm going to find a parallel world where I am respected! This is an excellent notion.

* * *

Dear diary,

Today discovered a way to manipulate the space time continuum. Time travel, huh! I successfully sent a candle through machine. Though, I have no idea what happened to it. Van Helsing could have eaten for all I know. I have constructed a design that I will be able to manoeuvre myself into. Tomorrow, I am hunting respect. I must pack and wear inconspicuous travelling gear. Van Helsing is the source of my enquiries.

* * *

Dear diary,

Van Helsing helped me select inconspicuous travel wear, with minimal questions. I told him not to wait up. I was seeking respect, I explained. He laughed and told me I already had it. An argument ensued. In three hours, I will no longer reside here. I'll bet that's upsetting to Van Helsing. He'll miss me. He won't know how to live without me.

* * *

Next chapter: Logan aka Wolverine


	2. Logan aka Wolverine

Disclaimer: I own the DVD copies of Paperback Hero, Someone Like You (aka Animal Husbandry) X-Men 1 & 2, Kate and Leopold, Van Helsing and a Blue Heelers episode recorded off TV with Hugh Jackman hitting on one of the cops...unfortunately, I don't actually own them per se. I just like to watch them.

In regards to Glycerine 49...I added a number. You know how industrious Carl is, don't you?

* * *

Dear diary,

So far I have encountered only tragedy and this is my first portal trip. I will not be swayed however. If there is a worse Van Helsing, there will be a better Van Helsing. I still desire respect.

This is what happened.

I appeared in a very technologically advanced city. After initial shock and nearly suffering a painful death at the hands of a...what was it...I heard a man name it the "hot dog stand", I learnt to avoid long stretches between builders that touched the sky. The future appears to be a tricky place – I'm sure this is the future – when you can't walk without being murdered, spat on, hustled, called a..."fag"...hm, must acquire some form of guide to words.

Going back to the buildings! Oh how marvellous! How do they stand so tall?

I then ran into some trouble. There was a violent gathering marching through the streets. They were all waving banners such as "Kill the mutants" and "Muties go home". Upon enquiring what a mutant was, a plank of wood bearing a sign landed on my head.

I awoke several hours later, judging by the shadow movement. But I cannot be entirely sure, as these massive sky touching creations blot out the sun. It may have been weeks. Though it is not likely or possible. I may have hit my head harder than I thought...hang on...I thought I just saw Van Helsing...

* * *

Dear diary,

Aha! It was just as I suspected! I am disappointed with my findings, however. My head was muddled from my fall. I wasn't thinking clearly, so I may be excused. Whatever it was, relief overcame me and I ran up to him screaming his name. I must admit Van Helsing was somewhat different to what I am used to, though there are similarities.

I will have to investigate if my Van Helsing enjoys a good cigar. I don't believe so, but I was much shaken.

I was not prepared for his initial reaction.

"What doya want kid?"

"Van Helsing!" I spluttered.

I have received the raised eyebrows routine, but never from Van Helsing! My head was not in its right place, as I said before, so I started blabbering where that hideous haircut had come from. I believe this venture failed in respect gathering.

He cursed at me! Me! This was the end of the line, so I poked him. Serve you right, Van Helsing! Perhaps poking was not a suitable reaction.

I have been witness to claws on my friend before, but...oh...terrible...claws out of his GODDAMN KNUCKLES!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I felt startled. An understatement, given the above wording.

And he said...snarled more like it...yes...that's it...

"What's your problem? Never seen a mutant before?"

I asked him what a mutant was. He started choking me. This Van Helsing was not going to give me any respect! He didn't even recognise me!!

I was saved suddenly by a voice calling his name. Hah! I will laugh in Van Helsing's face next I see him. Logan. An odd name. Then ensued a verbal confrontation with man wearing red glasses. An interesting design!

It appears this LOGAN has another name. An apt name if I may say so. Wolverine. I have studied such creatures and decide this is definitely a good word choice for this barbaric man!

I thanked red-glasses extensively, fell over extensively and made my escape. I believe this was a failed venture.

I will not return.

* * *

Dear diary,

I have not been able to look at my Van Helsing in the same frame of mind since that encounter. I did laugh and call him Logan. This irked him so much that he attempted to frame me as the murderer of one of my books. :1:

Damn Van Helsing.

You _will_ respect me.

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Next chapter: Carl gets some advice from Eddie.

:1: You might recognise this...you might not... (I am shamelessly publicising my other Van Helsing story _In The Night_)

PS: This may sound like a stupid question but has anyone seen Stargate Atlantis? Can they tell me if it's crap or not so crap?

Oh yes, if you'd like a chapter dedication give us the name of red glasses. (C'mon I'm giving a chapter dedication away!)


	3. Eddie

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

**Carl fans, be ready to celebrate the 21st of September. David Wenham turns 39!**

**Gabriel fans, be ready to celebrate the 12th of October. Hugh Jackman turns 36!**

I think I shall celebrate by finding very nice pictures...watching movies with them in it....ahhh...I could count the Hugh Jackman movies as research for this fic.

Chapter dedication goes to...**Random-Battlecry** for guessing correctly Cyclops! Runners up include _Le Ragin Cajun_ (Scotty-boy wasn't quite enough sorry) and _Risika Tziporah_.

Kudos also to second runners up (lol I love doing this) are _INMH_ and _Shy-Shadow Reckless_.

Erm this chapter isn't quite PG. Probably PG13. Lol. Just a few sexual references (c'mon, it's Eddie, what do you think!?).

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Dear diary,

I will not be beaten by one attempt! I will try this again. Once I find my nerves.

* * *

Dear diary,

I found myself in a similar situation to yesterday's portal trip. A "hot dog stand" endeavoured to take my life again, but I was able to avoid death-by-hot-dog-stand. This reminded me of the violent previous try, but I remained true to my mission. (So there Van Helsing, I don't let my over active imagination drive me to distraction!)

I attempted asking if anyone knew a Van Helsing or Logan or Wolverine, but was met with hostility and raised eyebrows. This must be a custom of the future. What a disastrous means of communication!

I need a drink. And some female company. Depends which comes first.

* * *

Dear diary,

I managed to track down a bar. Thank god they are still called the same thing. I was unable to find a quiet corner and was forced to share space with someone else. It did not occur to me to look to closely at my new anonymous companion until he struck up conversation. Again, Van Helsing was easy to find. I was relieved that he did not appear malicious.

And I was so startled I didn't hear what he said. I asked him to repeat.

"It's sad isn't it?"

"Er, what is?"

He pointed at a crowd around the bar, composed of both men and women. I gave him my best shrug, while trying to best evaluate how to find out about his character. He snorted at my confusion,

"The dating game known as casual sex."

"Casual what?" I exclaimed.

He rolled his eyes,

"Pick a woman one night, another the next night. Where's the meaning in it?"

I had to convince myself he knew nothing about my travel to Transylvania. While trying to think of suitable topic change, I was forced to listen to an in depth life story of the man. By the end, I was sufficiently moved to add my collection of tales. I found out that his name was Eddie – after telling him my own.

"Take it from me, Carl," He advised me, "One night strands give you no meaning in life. But if it was meaning you were after, go rob a church."

I refrained from explaining that I was a friar, thank you very much. I saw him make a short waving gesture through the glass. He explained,

"See her? That's Jane, my fiancé. I'd ditch every moment of orgasmic pleasure in every life hereafter for her. Think about it."

Upon trying to follow him and ask if he'd like to be my friend, I was attacked by the merciless hot-dog-stand and knocked unconscious for some time. Dammit.

* * *

Dear diary,

I have yet to hear such good advice from my Van Helsing. Upon finding out about the barmaid, mine would not stop laughing and blackmailing me for a year. I have yet to find out his nasty little secret about his being miserable for that year after Transylvania!

Today I told Van Helsing of my wishes to take a vow of chastity. He laughed and said I was not serious. I confessed neither was I.

So I said,

"Until one who I could remain with even once I am taken into God's kingdom."

Damn Van Helsing...he can never take a SINGLE THING seriously...

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Next chapter: Two disasters

(I'll give ya a hint. Singing Van Helsing ? ?)

Author hardly knows anything about the next two targets. Chaos will ensue. A very short chapter next time.

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Review responses that I feel should be put here:

Princess Anna Valerious: Chapter is here for ya!

Nain: Cool. I'll see Stargate Atlantis when it views here in down under. (That guy looks cute, y'know the Atlantis version of O'Neill I think)

Spaztic Arwen: Heaven indeed!

Shy-Shadow Reckless: I dunno which episode, but it was in the days of Grant Bowler on the show. My mum flipped when she was watching the reruns and pulled out the VCR. Hehe. This is my fav part:

Grant Bowler says, "You were doing 20kms over the speed limit."

Hugh Jackman replies, "You don't have to book me. You're off duty."

And Grant Bowler grins evilly (you can tell why he hosted the Mole) "I don't," and books him anyway.

Oh and Reckless, thanks for telling me about the perm. Will come in good use next chapter.

_(PS: if anyone comes out to Australia, you must watch Blue Heelers. Great show.)_

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**PPS: Hmm...chapter dedication goes to whoever can tell me the two different names of the movie that was crossed over in this chapter.**


	4. Two disasters

Disclaimer: So...I was hoping you'd get it by now...

Chapter dedication goes to CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur who correctly identified the two names for the movie crossover as Someone Like You (aka Animal Husbandry).

Runners up are Random-Battlecry and Princess Anna Valerious.

It may interest you to know I've planted Carl and Van Helsing into my Sims neighbourhood. LOL. If you want to know what happened, just ask.

Some of you guessed! Let's see...today's contestants are Peter Allen and Curly McLain!!!! Due to my lack of knowledge, this will be a silly chapter.

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Dear diary,

Today I was confronted by Van Helsing who demanded to know the last time I ate. My stomach cared to remind me of its empty state at the same moment. I was required to spend the day being force fed. I will delay my portal tripping until tomorrow.

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Dear dairy,

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY POOR INNOCENT MIND!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Dear God, my mind has been most grievously harmed.

* * *

Dear diary,

What do you think Van Helsing's long hair implies?

No don't answer that.

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Dear diary,

Now that I am sufficiently calmed, I will recount the events of the previous day's ventures. Must I remember...?

Only my attachment to this cause will ensure that I record this. I was able to gather that my surroundings were different from that of the place I have been returning to for the past few trips. Some questioning (with those who did not glare evilly at me) placed me in the country of Australia. I waited for the appearance of Van Helsing, knowing that whatever I did he'd be around anyway.

Thankfully, there were no hot dog stands anywhere in sight. There was, however, a fully suited banana called B1 following me.

I found Van Helsing soon enough. I assumed by what he was wearing he was in costume. My...ah...assumptions based on the banana costume proved incorrect. Ah...um...let's just say this Van Helsing...to borrow a phrase from someone I became instant friends with in my grief...is "batting for the other team".

Oh God. How will I ever look him in the eye again?

* * *

Dear diary,

I decided to squeeze in another portal trip in an attempt to uplift my spirits. I did not want to be confronted with the most uplifted bunch of people I've ever seen...I mean heard...Really, must they every five minutes start singing loudly,

"Oh, what a beautiful mornin',  
Oh, what a beautiful day.  
I got a beautiful feelin'  
Ev'rything's goin' my way."

Ah! I will have nightmares for weeks! I was unable to decipher most of what they were saying. Honestly, who says "pore Jud is daid"? Mindful of my last encounter, I was wary around Van Helsing. I hardly recognised him under that tragic hair style. I tried to make my retreat, but a banana called B2 chased me towards the centre of the mob.

Upon close inspection of Van Helsing, decided that I was not going to receive any sort of proper respect. I think I'm going to lie down...maybe drown myself in liquor...

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Dear diary,

I have been humming the songs encountered around my Van Helsing for six hours now. I have been glared at several hundreds of times. I have made a frightening discovery. While attempting to sing, I was confronted by Van Helsing who demanded where the song was from.

"It sounds familiar," He explained, "I think I dreamed it once."

Perhaps he is at the crossroads of all portals...something to look into...

I have concluded that Van Helsing must like women. He's never showed any interest towards men...ah...I hope it never happens here.

Overall, two disasters that have dampened my spirits somewhat.

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Hm, this chapter is longer than I thought it would be.

CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur, I am very tempted to take you up on your offer but the thing won't work. I'm told there isn't any zoning with VCRs, but different systems (PAL for Europe and Australia, NTSL for America and Japan).

Next chapter: Carl hitches a ride with Jack Willis

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**Next chapter's dedication will go to whoever call tell me what TV show the two bananas (namely B1 and B2) come from!**


	5. Ruby Vale, I mean, Jack Willis

Disclaimer: DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS EVERY SINGLE TIME???

**Chapter dedication** goes to **CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur** for correctly identifying B1 and B2 as from Bananas in Pyjamas.

Runners up are Lobo Diablo and Random-Battlecry (a Halloween costume? That is the Dark Side of the Force at work)

Second runners up are Queen of the Caribbean and Verona Dracula!

Sorry I haven't updated – I clean forgot about fanfiction in the excitement of ripping plastic off my Star Wars and Stargate DVD Box Sets.

PROVEN FACT: If you hold competitions for chapter dedications, you will naturally get more reviews.

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Dear diary,

This quest for a better Van Helsing is taxing on my health. I cannot continue at this failure rate! But I must push on.

* * *

Dear diary,

I decided there was no more delaying it. I returned through the portal device but oh! I immediately wished I hadn't even thought to invent a portal machine. I ended up stranded in the middle of a red desert. I wish I'd thought to bring water, but I expected to be in the city again!

I am turning out as bad as Van Helsing when it comes to thinking ahead. But perhaps if I wait long enough, he will appear out of nowhere. This has been the case up until now.

Maybe I should walk to civilisation. This is a good road to follow.

* * *

Dear diary,

Must...have...water...

* * *

Dear diary,

I had complete faith that Van Helsing would turn up and rescue me! Well, not really. But I was pretty damn pleased to see him! Never mind that he nearly ran a metal contraption right over the top of me. Never mind that I wanted a Van Helsing that respected me. But I wanted some damn water!!

It turned out to be a mode of transport, for he asked,

"You wanna hitch?"

"WATER!" I exploded.

"I got that too."

"Where am I?"

"Bad place to have a hangover, mate," He supplied helpfully and managed to get me into...the mode of transport.

"No seriously, where am I?"

"The outback."

"Out back where, exactly?"

The man spoke with agonizingly slowness,

"Aus...tra...li...a."

"The British colony?" I exclaimed.

He was answering my questions, with almost as much respect as Eddie. I was much heartened. There was the slight matter of a dog growling at me. Though, this Van Helsing dashed any of these hopes when he snorted! AT ME!!

"Where can I drop you off?" He wanted to know, "Wollongong?"

I was very desperate so I blurted outright,

"I need a friend."

"Not Wollongong then. Oodnadatta?"

He was talking gibberish! Absolute gibberish! It must be Van Helsing's native language.

"I NEED SLEEP!!"

"Fine, sleep. I'll wake you up when we pass Newcastle."

* * *

Dear diary,

I suppose it was all MY fault this trip didn't turn out. If I had even less of a mind remaining, I would return and tell that Jack Willis exactly what to do with his novel!!! Insufferable Van Helsing!!!!! Details in a while.

* * *

Dear diary,

I woke to hear him talking. I was startled, then assured myself he was merely talking to that wretched dog. I realised what he was doing!

He was plotting my death!

After sufficiently calming down, I was relieved to find out from what he was saying that he wasn't trying to kill me...his name was just Jack Willis and he was writing a...romance novel. Sheesh, if I doubted Van Helsing's preferences last time, this time I was thrown into more doubt. A romance novel??

"A romance novel!?" I exploded unwisely at the time.

"If you EVER tell anyone you've seen me writing this..." Threatened this man, Jack Willis, "I'll set my dog on you! NOW OUT!"

I am not a weak willed man, but faced with the prospect of being torn to shreds by a romance novelist's dog, I jumped out. I should add the dog growled at me first.

* * *

Dear diary,

Van Helsing _cannot_ be what I think he is.

* * *

Dear diary,

I attempted to test him with my charm...ahem...but it seems my fears are incorrect. Romance novels are not an indicator of anything!

* * *

Hmm...next chapter I feel like swinging by Mt Thomas.

HyperCaz would like to point out that her ideal romance movie would not have any weird guy called Hamish in it. Not an actor playing a guy called Hamish and will appear in a movie with David Wenham anyhow!

And a chapter dedicated to whoever can tell me the name of Jack's dog!


	6. I forgot the lawyer's name

Disclaimer: Cha, cha, cha. I don't own any of this.

No one guessed the name of the dog! Shock, horror, a gasp! Well, his name is Lance and he's a pretty harmless pooch.

Please be advised – this is a very vague chapter. Why? Well, Hugh Jackman has only been in one Blue Heelers episode as far as I know, so there's not much to go on. Let's call this a warm up for Leopold, eh? By the way, in this chappie, Carl's momentary courage leads to a criminal dispute...teehee

I hope Hugh gets that part in the _Da Vinci Code_. Fingers crossed!

* * *

Dear diary,

My quest seems to have taken a turn for the worst. Apparently my absences have been accounted for as listless wanderings. The rumours are not true! I have not lost my mind nor am I a vampire. This must be Van Helsing's doing.

* * *

Dear diary,

I've had a rather unfortunate meeting with the Cardinal. I am unable to get into the lab as Mr-Stupid-In-Red says I need to quiet my mind a little more. But the only thing to get me out of this predicament is the problem that started it all.

I was pacing the corridor when Van Helsing approached me, asking innocently,

"So what's been keeping you in the lab anyway? I know you don't go for wanderings because there's only one door in and out. I keep it guarded."

"Why on Earth would you do that?" I demanded of him.

Van Helsing did that very annoying casual shrug of his,

"Some people think you should do more praying than tinkering. I keep them away."

I think that is the first time in the few years I have known him that I actually appreciated his existence. I refused to give him the satisfaction however and turned to storm off into the comfort of my lab and hopefully a successful Van Helsing hunt.

But the man followed me in – insufferable.

"What exactly are you working on?"

"None of your beeswax!" I told Van Helsing and made sure he left.

I had to ensure that the door was locked, mind you. That man is not known for his subtlety or good manners.

* * *

Dear diary,

It appears I have ended up in Australia once more. But luckily I materialised in a more colonised area without monstrous metal contraptions honking along the road. I was minding my own business, trying to find Van Helsing, when suddenly a man confronted me, waving a knife!!

I fairly lost my head with fear for a minute, but I remembered that taking on vampires was a lot worse than a raving lunatic. In hindsight, perhaps not such a good judgement, but it spurred my courage on. I gave an almighty yell and tackled the man!!

At once, flashing red and blue lights blinded me.

"He attacked me!" I made sure these strange new arrivals knew this.

They were wearing odd blue uniforms. They arrived at the wrong conclusion that I was...what was it..."pals" with the knife-brandishing-man. I was unable to find Van Helsing anywhere, but my experience with portal tripping told me I'd have no such help from a stranger.

* * *

Dear diary,

What a lovely cold cell...reminds me of my quarters at the Vatican, actually. Knife-brandishing-man says he has a very good lawyer.

Peesh. I hope he gets me out as well. I'm innocent! I'm, to borrow a phrase from knife-brandishing-man, fing innocent!

What am I doing here? I should be back at the Vatican, being forced to spend time away from my lab. But noooo, Van Helsing just had to help me to get my newest invention...one I created for personal gain. Gah! How will I ever find a good Van Helsing?

* * *

Dear diary,

I am being tried for something I did not do! This is not fair! Will the near future have such unjust law systems? But knife-brandishing-man's lawyer took me aside for a chat. It took me no time at all to identify this lawyer as Van Helsing. I was so relieved I barely heard him saying that he knew I was involved and was going to get me out of here!

Oh thank you Lord for Van Helsing! What would I do without him?

"Let's make sure you sound civil," Van Helsing advised, "Your main argument is?"

"I'm fing innocent!" I parroted knife-brandishing-man.

"Ah, no," Van Helsing looked annoyed. That smirk is one I've seen on every Van Helsing during this quest! SMIRK ALL YOU LIKE! It won't get you out of a loud telling off when I talk to my Van Helsing.

At least one of them will pay for that smirk.

* * *

Dear diary,

I have found out I am in a place called Mount Thomas. Some...I believe the lawyer called them..."coppers" dropped by and confirmed that there were no records for me. Huh! Of course there wouldn't be.

"We'd like to take some details down," The blonde woman asked me, "Like your name, for instance."

I tried to keep what I said at a bare minimum,

"Carl...er...Van Helsing."

It looked like we were getting no where fast. My "prints" (whatever those are) weren't matching anything. Of course my identity here would be confusing – I don't exist here! How can I explain this?

* * *

Dear diary,

I decided to tell this Van Helsing the truth. Listening to my tale, he looked extremely sceptical. Though, by the end of it, he asked if I could just take him on one trip, which he could disappear into for the rest of his life. In return for the portal trip, he would, erm, "gaol break" me.

* * *

Dear diary,

I'm back safe in the Vatican, having retrieved my portable portal device from the bushes at Mount Thomas. I dropped off the Van Helsing lawyer to a similar portal where he no longer has to deal with rich corrupt people hiring him to get them out of tight scrapes. Perhaps the portal he is now in I will visit soon, just to see if he has settled in.

My Van Helsing has that smirk on his face as of late and I'm itching to punch it off.

Insufferable man!! If only he knew just how stressful _my_ job was. And I'm not being a hypocrite. Monster hunting is peanuts compared to keeping the Cardinal at bay...

* * *

Yay. Another chapter over. I hope you got the general gist of what happened in that.

Chapter dedication goes to whoever can tell me what television show this chapter is based on FIRST. Not who can guess, but who can tell me FIRST. (Hint: look upwards, savvy? It's called author's notes)

Next chapter: Carl gets chatty with Leopold about inventions

About 3 chapters left!

1) Leopold

2) our world

3) Choosing Van Helsing


	7. Leopold

Disclaimer: Ho hum. You get the gist.

This chapter is dedicated to Random-Battlecry who was first in telling me that the show was Blue Heelers.

The dedication also goes out to runners up – CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur, Shy-Shadow Reckless and AABuddy.

Ravenclaw16: Allow me to educate you on some of Hugh's work then…lol

* * *

Dear diary,

I have come to the conclusion through my calculations that there are not that many Van Helsing portals remaining. I am a little desperate – no, make that a lot! I simply cannot find one Van Helsing who does not have an overwhelming desire to try and kill me or leave me for death-by-hot-dog-stand!

I feel I threatened the existence of the portal network by allowing last week's Van Helsing to reside in a different portal than his own.

Maybe all the Van Helsings will die.

That would be devastating.

Maybe.

I wouldn't have to put up with him anymore.

But I do want his respect! Dammit, I deserve respect from at least one person!

* * *

Dear dairy,

I was about to leave on next portal trip when Van Helsing showed up – insufferable man! He hung around for an entire hour, fiddling with my experiments and just generally being annoying. I ask him to leave but nooooooo!

"You're up to something, Carl" – was his accusation.

Up to something? Me? Never! Well I suppose there is the matter of trying to find a better version of this tall, dark and ugly man!

So I told him that if I was indeed _up to something_ it was none of his beeswax and that he should leave immediately. I told him to leave by borrowing a phrase from one of my trips in the portals!

"Cluck off?" He repeated in confusion (ha! Always confused!), but did in fact leave.

* * *

Dear diary,

Aha! At last a time frame I am familiar with! I could almost be stirred to never cursing again! Almost! I have located myself in New York and am ashamed to find myself dismayed at the lack of skyscrapers.

Ack! The future has already befuddled me. I quite like it, actually. You can walk into a bar and immediately pick up damsels in distress! Amazing!

Anyway, I was tempted to see if the Holy Order still existed in this portal, but it turns out there are no such thing as vampires or gargoyles or werewolves. My Van Helsing would certainly be out of a job!

So far, I have enjoyed a peaceful walk along the banks of some river without any collisions with hot dog stands. The past, at least, is sensible in that.

I think I might lie down…that damned Van Helsing wore me out earlier…

* * *

Dear diary,

Never fall asleep! Never! How could I have been so damned foolish? Van Helsing could have waltzed by wearing a stuffed vulture hat and swinging a red hand bag like some demented popinjay chemistry professor and I WOULD NOT HAVE NOTICED!

Oh wait, I think I spy…could it be…? Van Helsing!

* * *

Dear diary,

I have decided I really like this version. Allow me to explain.

He is an inventor! Finally a Van Helsing with noteworthy goals! And far from being insufferable, which is an absolute bonus. I wrote down his full name out of hilarity:

Leopold Alexis Elijah Walker Gareth Thomas Mountbatten!!!

But apart from that embarrassing mouthful, this Van Helsing is truly the one I have been searching for. We have spent hours talking about the great achievers of our time and their many ingenious creations.

Finally someone who knows his own two pounds worth of Thomas Edison!

And owns quite a decent house also…I think I will like dining here.

* * *

Dear diary,

Hm, when you're right, you're right. I do indeed like dining here, although the increased brain capacity of Van Helsing is a little unnerving at times. This Leopold is a very nice, totally non-insufferable man. His two sons, however…yech. They remind me too much of my Van Helsing.

I finally could stand it no longer and burst out my grand experiment – the most fantastic portal tripping. This amazed Leopold greatly but then he too returned the favour. He admitted that his wife was, in fact, from the future.

I am not to be outdone. I REFUSE TO BE OUTDONE!

Be honest with me, my dearest diary, what sounds better – time travel or portal tripping? No, don't answer that. You'll either make me very depressed or very smug. And we can't have that here under the scrutiny of such an inventor! DAMNTIME TRAVEL! How could I not discover this before someone else?

I must ask the specifics. But for now, I think I'm just going to lie down and prepare myself for the morning. Yes…I just need to forget this little mishap…

TIME TRAVEL! Or all things! DAMN, I hate being outdone.

* * *

Dear diary,

PAH! How can a host lie to his guest, hm? Especially a guest like me whose nerves are easily frazzled! Turns out this Leopold did not invent time travel (nah nah nah nah!) but merely experienced it. Grr! That poor deceived man in the future had better patent this before Leopold does!

Although I must say I rather like this elevator idea. (No more nagging by that stupid c-clucking Cardinal to climb those damned stairs!)

Leopold asked where I had got the idea for portal travel. I found myself confessing deep desires of respect from that insufferable man lurking back at the Vatican! And the nerve of this inventor to tell me that by the sounds of it, my Van Helsing already to respect me!

Ack! I think I prefer people of the future cursing at me to this intolerable old style banter. (Am I really becoming so confused of my own portal and time?)

"Carl," Said Leopold very seriously, "I think you need to respect him."

Grrr. Oh well, we parted in good companionship. Leopold hoped we'd meet again. I had to restrain myself from pestering his wife, Kate, with questions about how dangerous hot dog stands really are.

* * *

Dear diary,

Back at the Vatican, everything is as quiet as I left it. Mr-I'm-in-red-therefore-I'm-mean-and-nasty had the nerve to reprimand me about my absence. Of course I couldn't tell the Cardinal were I was! Ack!

Then Van Helsing just has to come along and apologise for being unable to keep the Cardinal away from the lab long enough.

"What? You were guarding my lab?" I exploded.

Van Helsing gave me that very annoying smirk,

"What are friends for, Carl?"

I poked a finger at him defiantly,

"I don't have any friends! A friend is someone who respects me!"

I was very satisfied that my words stirred Van Helsing to leave. He did look a little hurt but, honestly, he doesn't consider me a friend. What nonsense!

Well…

* * *

****

**Chapter dedication** goes to whoever can tell me **whom Carl describes** when thinking of what Van Helsing could have done while he was asleep. That is, stuffed vulture, red handbag, chemistry professor… **Bonus chocolate frog** to who can correctly describe (in one or two words) **the nose** this guy has. :P

Look I even highlighted the important parts.

Next chapter with be named either Our World or Hugh Jackman (teehee). You choice, readers.


	8. Hugh Jackman

Disclaimer: (insert witty disclaimer here)

Hurray for quick updates! I'm going away on camp tomorrow so I thought I'd boost this one up.

Wow! You all had a crack at last chapter's competition. I'm stunned. Well, I shouldn't be – the Harry Potter books are quite renowned. Just between you, me and the rest of the world, the fifth book was c-r-a-p.

The chapter dedication goes to Badger Luver (who correctly identified Professor Severus Snape first). Brownie points for enthusiasm! I don't think I've seen the word "please" written so many times.

Runners up that receive a partial dedication **AND** a chocolate frog include:

Nocturna Canis Lupis

CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur (a tin of Bertie Bott's coming your way)

Emerald Bubbles

Runners up who receive a partial dedication:

Fenestrae

Seadragon68

Here are same, ah, review responses - mainly because at the time of this sentence's writing, I'm trying to gather together what's going to happen.

Badger Luver: Who doesn't "lurve" Carl? I'll update, coz you said please.

Nocturna Canis Lupis: Sexiest accent? Oh I agree! Especially since I'm Australian myself…lol

CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur: There is no such thing as too much LOTR, mark my words. I did think about a Carl-meets-Carl chapter but it defeats the purpose of my plot – that is, Carl's quest. But I am toying with the idea of a companion-fic/sequel where Van Helsing makes the same sort of journey.

Oh come on, Van Helsing at the Moulin Rouge – too good to resist!

Fenestrae: Kate and Leopold is the best! I love it. I watch it nearly every month.

Seadragon68: Heart to heart – of course there'll be one! You may notice I used the word "cluck". My reasons for that were 1) this is PG and 2) wouldn't it be funny if Carl misheard the word?

Emerald Bubbles: Thanks for reviewing!

A note to you all in case you are wondering: I said chemistry professor as opposed to potions because it would be way too easy.

Without further ado!

* * *

Dear diary,

Perhaps I shouldn't have felt so threatened by Leopold. He would have nicer to me than Van Helsing. That insufferable man is nowhere in sight! Not that I'm complaining, but it is nice to have someone to talk to.

He may have been offended when I implied he wasn't my friend.

…nah.

Unlikely. That man is immovable.

But I won't back down. A friend is someone who respects you – not someone who hides your inventions in dumbwaiters when your back is turned!

I have encountered far more respect during this portal tripping of mine and it's very flattering. If only my Van Helsing thought to be nice to me every so often, I wouldn't have to stay up late working on my portal tripping.

It's his fault I've got rings under my eyes!

* * *

Dear diary,

This odd manner of turning up at Australia every so often confuses me. Unless this is the mystery behind Van Helsing! He comes from Australia! Aha! I bet if he did, he'd have been one of the feared criminals in the land!

I am now thoroughly lost with no hope of finding Van Helsing.

At least here, death-by-hot-dog-stand is unlikely. However, I have seen those dreaded bananas named B1 and B2 again. They chased me down a very busy street until I was nearly run over by some sort of motorised bicycle.

I think I need a drink.

* * *

Dear diary,

I found Van Helsing! Or rather, he found me.

I was walking along and minding my own business when two teenager girls attacked me, demanding I scribble on their notebooks. I was overcome with panic. I am ashamed to admit that at first I thought they had recognised me as a famous inventor. It seems inventors do not get this kind of reception.

In my panic to retreat, I fell over a sanitary device called a bin. I ended up staring at the sky, which was now ringed with the two girls' friends. They were screaming something at me…something that sounded like "David".

Suddenly, the lynch mob caught sight of something far less frazzled and jumped to attack it instead. Just as my luck should have it, a boy starts jumping on me! ACK!!

I hear an all too familiar voice say,

"Oscar, that's enough!"

I wanted to disappear. Van Helsing had found me in a very awkward moment. He came over and lifted off the boy, then hauled me to my feet. The same teenager girls were giggling off to one side.

"Um, hello," I managed to articulate, waiting for some sign of what his name was.

This Van Helsing actually looked normal. And nice! But I was a little uneasy seeing that the menacing boy was his – there are many ways that man can kill me.

"I thought you were shooting _The Proposition_," My saviour sounds surprised, "Did your part wrap up early?"

I had no idea what this man was talking about – but he seemed to know me! I have never, in my life, being received this amiably from my Van Helsing. I didn't know how to answer and obviously if I mentioned I knew nothing, I'd look rather insane.

So I merely said,

"Uh…yeah."

This Van Helsing looked warily at the teenager girls who were having difficulty breathing. He threw an arm over my shoulders and guided me away.

"Fan bases – need I say more?" He sighed, "You want coffee or something?"

I nodded fervently, desperate to get away from the horde.

* * *

Dear diary,

That little boy is starting to annoy me. He keeps making faces at me. I am above returning such faces.

For the past two hours, I have had to pretend I knew what this man was talking about. I have discovered his last name – by chance, a waitress came by, blushing, and asked,

"May I have your autograph, Mr Jackman?"

So I know this man is called Mr Jackman. What else do I know? This is all very hard. He keeps asking me questions I don't really know the answer to! And how does this Van Helsing know me! HOW!?

Oh wait – the waitress is coming back! Excellent – she may spill more secrets.

* * *

Dear diary,

Oh my God. Oh. My. God. OH MY GOD.

Let me calm down.

Oh my God.

I have discovered the secret of all the portals. I know WHY they exist! I understand it all now! It makes perfect sense! I think I am calm now.

The waitress did spill more secrets. She said to us while putting the coffee down,

"I thought you two in Van Helsing were great!"

She…said…VAN HELSING! She…said…it! I was so astounded I think I nearly died! It was as if Dracula had jumped out at me and shouted,

"The bananas are coming!"

She then babbled quickly about some rather heroic sounding man named Faramir and then addressed me as…Mr Wenham. Now what kind of name is that? I have ascertained that my name here is David Wenham. How obscure.

Interpreting the sudden squeal of an old woman the next table over, I now know that this man who seems to know me is named Hugh Jackman. Sounds like a British upper class snob name to me!

Before I could find out more, that annoying boy who answers to the name Oscar interrupted pleading to go to some place. This was where this Hugh Jackman gave me a farewell. I was rather saddened by this. He seemed like such a nice man but that boy, I swear, bared his teeth at me! Ack!

I thought I had found the absolute perfect Van Helsing.

I decided to investigate just how people knew the name Van Helsing. And just how people knew Hugh and me so well!

I stooped to the level of talking to the teenage girls about it. Well, I just appeared and they talked to me. They kept mentioning the word "movies" a lot.

The mob, who liked to go by the name "fan girls", invited me to watch what they called my "finest moments". I must say I am appalled at the exposure of girls as young as them to this sort of violence and…ah…inappropriateness.

Movies happen to be many, many, many slides stuck together in a sequence. I have been experimenting with such technology myself, but this is astounding!

I understand why the portals exist. It is all because of this particular portal and their damned actors. They keep creating portals with every movie they make! Oh, diary, I just realised what this means.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I AM FICTION!!!!!!!!

* * *

Dear diary,

I must have passed out for I opened my eyes to find the "fan girls" fanning me. Ack! But I was very scared. DAMN FICTION! I think I rather detest fiction. I loathe it. I despise it. I AM MERELY FICTION! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Allow me to explain.

The David Wenham everyone is mistaking me for is an actor in movies. He acted in a certain movie called _Van Helsing_ and therefore I was created. This…I can't quite grasp. I _lived_ my life, I know that! But someone created it for me! I think I've gone mad with the implications of this.

I feel real! I am real! I think. Damn reality. I hate reality.

I AM REAL!

Although, I must say movies are a most interesting way of passing time. At least now I know why Van Helsing was so upset after the Transylvania mission. I know his secret! He kissed Anna! Then he killed her – so of course he's understandably upset. I thought he was just moping about not understanding this whole "left hand of God" business.

Why didn't he tell me? Am I just a popinjay? I thought we were friends! Albeit, not very good friends because he doesn't respect me that well.

Still, he could have told me! He loved Anna!

Oh, before I become too caught up in this, let me just say I do not hate fiction so much. Maybe I should grow my hair. This Faramir guy is AWESOME!

I nearly had a heart attack watching some musical called _Moulin Rouge!_ upon seeing Dracula. I had to remind myself that it was just a movie. I look stupid in that movie, by the way. Very embarrassing. I hope my Van Helsing never sees it.

But how could he? He is stuck in his own portal. I mean, our portal. Thank God for that! But this is amazing – I'm in so many movies! This means there are countless portals to explore – some even of me!

I thanked the fan girls for their hospitality, signed some paper which they started kissing happily and left. What an amusing notion – fan girls.

* * *

Dear diary,

I have never felt such compassion for Van Helsing. Now I try not to mention anything that might upset him. The whole Vatican thinks I'm weird – I can't help it if I feel like running around and saying,

"You're fiction! You're nothing but fiction!"

I also can't help it if I know that Jinette's damn replacement was sucked in by the Lateran treaty. At least, that's what will happen if the other portals' histories are anything to go by. I hope I'm far from Rome when that buffoon starts what the other portals' historians call fascism.

I fear I will have to make a quick decision about which Van Helsing I want to stay with. This will be very difficult. If I don't choose by tomorrow, I think I'll be carted off to one of those asylums!

But who do I choose? WHO?

* * *

Tell me readers – which Van Helsing do you think Carl should stick with? (Your opinion won't change the outcome, but I'm interested in what you think)

_The Proposition_ is currently being filmed. David Wenham doesn't have a huge part, as a far as I know. Meh, I'll see the movie anyway. I know there are a lot of David Wenham movies I didn't mention but the _Moulin Rouge!_ one was too good to miss. I was so startled to find that Richard Roxburgh was in that!

I read about this movie I can't remember the name of. However, I remember that Hugh will be voicing an upper class British rat. How do you get a rat in the upper class – I ask you? HOW? Does the rat wear a suit?

Chapter dedication goes to whoever can tell me who Carl mentioned in his last entry of this chapter. That is, Lateran treaty, buffoon, Rome, fascism. (this one is to test how well you know modern history)

Please note: If you are at all offended by the oppinionated "buffoon" thing, don't shoot me. Most historians happen to have this opinion.

ONE CHAPTER TO GO!!!


	9. Carl's Choice

Disclaimer: Yada yada yada.

Woohoo! The last chappie! But this might not be the end. You didn't here that from me, though! Haha. Camp was great, by the way. JC rules…literally. Blah. I'll get off that topic.

Eep. The whole last chapter thing. My history teacher told me that there are still people alive who would be offended to hear Mussolini called a buffoon. As if they'd read fanfic, but still you've got to be careful. Peesh. You can't study that man without giggling.

Ahem. With that said, I'd like to announce the chapter dedication to…

**Caprice Ann Hedican-Kocur**

Runners up include:

**Eris**

**Nocturna Canis Lupis**

REVIEW RESPONSES! Yay. I love these.

CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur: Interesting fic idea, but I've got…other…plans. I'll tie this one up without a cliffie. There are a lot of angry people who have been waiting for an update on one of my Harry Potter stories for six months. Ewan McGregor is hot. There's no problem obsessing over him. Viggo's only wonderful in LOTR. You don't know how much difficultly I had remembering and typing your nickname throughout this fic!

Fenestrae: Hm, Carl stay with VH? There's a thought. Lol

Lady Venom2: Let me assure you there will be more. But not on this fic.

Eris: I'm know when the Lateran Treaty was. I was just trying (and obviously failed) to mention that in some portals it was the future and all those future portal's pasts had the Lateran Treaty. I didn't spend a whole term on Mussolini for nothing.

Random-Battlecry: I promise that if this is ever made into one of those twisted short films, you'll be cast aptly as a fangirl. Lol. And I think I'd be pretty freaked if someone yelled at me about bananas.

Nocturna Canis Lupis: Unfortunately, the duke is played by one of our lovable actors. Dracula evil. Duke evil. See the connection? Teehee. David Wenham is some guy. I can't be bothered to remember. I did think about the portal barriers collapsing but, heck, let me have my fun.

Lobo Diablo: Carl meeting David Wenham would be hilarious. Van Helsing meeting David Wenham – even funnier. But that's another story…_wink_

Oh no! I forgot about _Swordfish_! As Carl would say, damn! It would have been hilarious if Carl ended up in that portal.

Whoa. A whole page of AN. You guys must be sick of me!

* * *

Dear diary,

I have taken refuge in one of the many hidden passages around the Vatican. Only people like me with no life know these exist. My fears proved correct – I am to be carted off to some…some…some…horrible place. I am not without my portal device however.

Despite what some say, I am actually quite smart. I moved it in the dead of night. The hour when only Van Helsing prowls about. But I didn't see him. I'm safe.

For now.

I have to make a quick choice. I cannot stay here. I would rather be stuck with someone like Curly than shut up in some institution.

Now. I must quit dithering and get on with it.

No. I'm going to sneak some wine from the communion stash to calm my nerves.

* * *

Dar dawi,

Sooo sleppy. Ni, ni.

* * *

Dear diary,

I have a horrendous headache. I just can't decide. Must…think…of a logical way to do this. How about I use the process of elimination? All men of science must do this at some point. I will start with those that I shudder to think of living with.

Logan: Definitely not! I refuse to seek out the company of someone who can cut me up into little pieces and feed me to the hotdog stand.

Peter Allen: What if this Van Helsing starts making moves on me? OH NO DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT! MY POOR MIND! Friends, that's all. JUST FRIENDS!

Jack Willis: No, no, definitely NOT! Absolutely no respect! And I will not live in fear of my life around that, that _dog! _

Curly: I refuse to live my life singing stupid songs about the stupid country side! Bring me some high rise buildings!

At least I have lessened the burden somewhat. What do I do? The process of elimination only goes so far!

Wait! How could I forget to add my Van Helsing to that list of those I cannot live with! Oh, I don't know. He can be very annoying. My poor mind. I'll eliminate him later. I promise I will.

I just need to take my mind of this for a moment…

I really don't like hidden passages. They just have to be such cramped places don't they!

* * *

Dear diary,

I tried to take a short walk while everyone was asleep but NOOOOOO! Van Helsing just _had_ to catch me this time. I was running swiftly and silently through the halls like the gallant Faramir. I was taking note of my surroundings. I swear!

I happened to run smack bang into Van Helsing. I thought he was going to drag me to the Cardinal! I felt like a vampire with a stake in my heart!

"Carl!" He exclaimed instead, "They haven't caught you yet?"

I tried to run away but I tripped over my robes. Dammit, why did I have to be a friar? Brain the size of the planet, I sure could make some money!

I started babbling,

"I have – very big – something – decision to make!"

Van Helsing raised an eyebrow,

"Maybe you _should_ be locked up."

"That's it!" I shouted, "You're eliminated!"

I again tried to run, but damn that Van Helsing, he grabbed me! I tried to get out of his grip, but constantly failed. I wished then that I really was Faramir. I would have him begging for mercy!

Van Helsing assured me,

"I'm not going to do you in, Carl, but you have been acting really strange lately. Come on, you can tell me what's going on. You haven't found a way of turning the Cardinal into a chicken have you?"

It was such an absurd idea that I actually laughed along with him.

"Don't distract me, dammit!" I warned him, "I'll tell you if you're not eliminated."

"Eliminated? Eliminated from what?"

"I'm not telling you!"

Van Helsing sighed,

"Fine, whatever. I thought you trusted me. Hell, I know where you've been hiding. I didn't tell the Order. Shouldn't you trust me?"

He turned and literally _stormed_ away. Damn, why does he have to make me feel so guilty?

* * *

Dear diary,

I have decided there is one person who can help me with my decision. It is time to call in one of my IOUs. Hehe. IOUs. That should be a form of currency.

* * *

Dear diary,

I paid a visit to the lawyer who so kindly helped me when I was arrested in that portal with those…those…vicious "coppers"! I never knew his name before, but he has gone under the assumed name of Paul McCune.

He greeted me very civilly and explained how well he was doing in his new portal. He couldn't stop laughing and showed me a clipping from a newspaper. I couldn't believe it! The portal that Paul had made his new home was the one belonging to Hugh Jackman!

Apparently, there was some confusion other whether or not David Wenham was in Sydney at that time. There were lots of guesses – maybe he had a twin!

"I wondered when you would drop by," Paul told me, "You'll be pleased to know I haven't continued to be a lawyer. I'm making a name for myself as a train driver. Piss poor pay, but it's good fun. I don't want to draw too much attention to myself. It might get out that a carbon copy of Hugh Jackman is in the area."

I told him I was still on my quest. I even asked if he would be as kind to be my new Van Helsing. Paul snorted,

"You're insane, Carl! You don't want to room with me. I've got a girlfriend, by the way. She's planning on moving in anyway."

"But that's not fair!" I said, "I can't make up my mind! You were one of the nicer ones."

Paul was actually amused. AT ME! I am sick of being a joke, let me tell you. Paul gave me advice in such an obscure way that I'm not sure I will be able to use. I JUST WANTED HIM TO MAKE MY MIND UP FOR ME!

But nooooooo, he had to be ambiguous.

"Maybe Carl," He said, "You are looking in the wrong place. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. Or should I say, till you've gone."

Insufferable! Are all Van Helsing versions insufferable!

* * *

Dear diary,

Let's eliminate Paul McCune, shall we? I can't believe this. I would have chosen him. I know it! I KNOW IT!

Damn. Why'd he have to get a girlfriend?

I want a girlfriend. I'm not kidding.

* * *

Dear diary,

So I have four left!

Eddie

Leopold

Hugh Jackman

and God forbid

Van Helsing

WHO THE FRACK DO I CHOOSE?

Note to self: If I settle in a portal with DVD player, must buy Battlestar Galactica 2003.

No, no, I must not choose I portal simply because of DVD players and movies. Ooh…can't I…

I liked Leopold, though! He had a good head on his shoulders. Hm, if a girlfriend could screw up my chances of living with Paul, what good is a married man? But he is a fellow inventor! I could work it out.

Damn.

Damn.

WHO THE FRACK DO I CHOOSE?

Come to think of it, I didn't like Eddie so much. After all, he did DITCH ME! Peesh. I'm wiping him off! I want a respect, dammit, must make my choice on respect.

I'm so hungry. I can't concentrate on an empty stomach. It's not even night time, but I NEED FOOD.

* * *

Dear diary,

I have just had a very, _very_ close shave with those out to get me. EVERYONE'S OUT TO GET ME! Apart from Van Helsing, but still. That's one man to many. My stomach and nose led me to the kitchens. But alas! It was daylight! I don't know why I did it, but I burst in on the kitchen.

Damn cooks with damn grudges. I didn't mean to test my new inventions that time on them!

Better that those crazy bananas had killed me!

Am I a Van Helsing magnet, hm? He burst in and, sadly, saved the day. I ran away before he could gloat.

* * *

Dear diary,

I am hungry. Again.

I have a headache. Again.

AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO THE FRACK TO CHOOSE!

Breathe…must breathe.

Ok, ok. Let me think rationally. I can't live with Hugh Jackman because, let's face it, it would cause too much confusion about David Wenham and for frack's sake, he's married. And he has that scary kid. No one wants me around. Pah.

So that leaves Leopold and damn Van Helsing.

Ack. Who do I choose?

Why did I even invent the portal tripping device?

I needed the respect. That's what I needed. I STILL NEED IT!

Sooner or later, the damn Cardinal is going to figure out where I am. I may be the only one who uses them, but I haven't got the blueprints. Dammit.

Time is running out.

Oh no! I hear footsteps.

* * *

Dear diary,

Van Helsing decided to pay me a visit. I wasn't very happy to see him at first but he brought food AND WINE! I did not foresee his little game of loosening my tongue. My nerves were too frazzled. Otherwise, I would have known! I swear!

ANYWAY, I find myself prattling away about my elimination list. It might have been alright if Van Helsing hadn't steered the conversation to why I had such a list. Too smart for his own good! At least I know he has brains. Whew.

So there I was trying to explain the space time continuum when I suddenly realised what I was doing.

"Frack!" I exclaimed, "You are a very devious and very insufferable m-m-person!"

Van Helsing was silent for a looooong time. I was very nervous.

He was surprisingly diplomatic about it. He said,

"Well you can't stay in this portal anymore. The Cardinal thinks you're insane."

"You'll let me get away?" I asked, startled.

Van Helsing merely shrugged,

"I don't think you're stark raving mad. A little maybe, but so is the rest of the world. I'll probably be the only one to miss you, mind. This Leopold sounds nice. Although the short hair would try my patience if I were you…"

"You need a hair cut. I've got some scissors."

"Hands off the hair!"

Van Helsing can be such a coward sometimes. But then, he's never had to clean the Cardinal's office now, has he? I think the wine was making me shoot off into a well placed tangent. I was reminded of the real matter at hand by Van Helsing clearing his throat.

"So have you made a decision?" He asked.

I was immediately stirred into an upset rant about the ease required with such decisions. I could not stay because I would be locked up for the rest of my life. I'm too smart to die – I mean, be locked up.

At last, AT LAST, my mind landed on a decision which I was less likely to regret. I announced,

"I think I have…"

* * *

**(AN: Enough with the suspense, huh?)**

* * *

Dear diary,

This is a very pleasant portal. I can still watch my DVDs. I can still visit Paul McCune if I am ever terribly lonely. AND I MADE THE BEST DECISION IN THE WORLD!

I could never live without technology. Dammit, I sound like some kind of TV junkie. You probably want to hear what happened, my dear little diary. I shan't keep you waiting any longer.

I must say, it didn't take as much effort as I thought to persuade Van Helsing to come with me to this portal. Apparently, he really wanted to get away from all that monster hunting. It occurred to me that while Leopold was very nice and all, Paul's ambiguity was very right.

The respect of a friend was right in front of my eyes.

Damn. I'll never live that down. I probably owe Paul some money on some wager about that. I can't really remember if we made a deal or not. I won't give him money unless he asks then!

My decision was not on want of technology alone. As if I'd be that shallow. Peesh.

So Van Helsing and I are now happily living in Australia in Broome, hiding out so that Hugh Jackman and David Wenham will never suspect they have better looking twins. Huh!

I doubt any other version of Van Helsing could score me a date with a very attractive young woman. I guess I really shouldn't have bothered with the portal device in hindsight. The right Van Helsing is the one I know. I would have lived out my life at the Vatican…

Nah.

I can't believe Van Helsing got a job before me. AH! I had no notion of how hard it is to get a job here! Maybe I should become a stunt double for David Wenham…let's imagine it…

A whole television show devoted to Faramir, the bravest man in Middle Earth. Hm…I like it.

How Van Helsing got a job as the postman is beyond me. He has no sense of direction and for God's sake, he has never lived in Australia, let alone this portal!

Ah! Van Helsing is home. I think I'll hide this diary so he won't find it. Maybe in a place _I_ won't even find it. I've never been happier. I don't need to confide in a book when I have a pal like Van Helsing.

Dear God I sound sappy. Forget I ever said that.

* * *

Et voila, it is done! Happy dance!

Now I can dash across to my Harry Potter fic before there is a riot. _Looks around nervously_.

I hope you enjoyed Carl's adventure! I sure did. Maybe Carl's choice was a little predictable. But whatever! I'm sure Carl will find a nice job.

Thank you all for bearing with me! You reviewers are actually what keeps a silly fic like this going. I can't believe I ended chapters on an odd number! 9 – ack! I should have done _Swordfish _then!

WOW – this is the first fic over two chapters that I have finished. AMAZING.

Yes I have thoughts of a sequel – which will _not_ be in diary format. (SPOILER ALERT!) I don't think Van Helsing is one for diaries. Just so you know, a sequel will not be out for a _while_. Leave your email address after the beep so I can notify you when it is posted…

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BEEP!


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